Four years ago if I'd been told that I was going to be married and have 2 kids I would have laughed. I was on a very different path in June of 2006. I was set to go off to a fancy college and while I wanted love, marriage and everything I didn't see it on the horizon anytime soon. My hope was to find it at some point in the four years of college.
It was June of 2006 when I meet M. He was so different from any man I'd ever meet before. I could be myself with him. I didn't have to pretend I wanted a career. I was able to say that I wanted my career to be my family. That I believed I belonged at home. That I was born in the wrong time period! July of 2007 we married. April 2008 we welcomed our first little one and then we welcomed a second one in 2010.
Life took a way different path than I believed it would after I finished high school but I am so very happy that it took the path that it did.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Exercise and Vitamin D
I am feeling not quite as crazy these days. There are still moments when I want to snap. I am still tired all the time. I still find the chaos difficult. However, things are looking up. The results of my blood work came back and my vitamin D was way low, so I am now on a vitamin D replacement regiment. Hopefully, that will help with the exhaustion. I have also started exercising at the gym several times a week.
Pre-kids I loved working out at the gym. I went frequently and found it to be relaxing. I first started to work out at the gym in an effort to bring myself out of a deep depression when I was in high school. While, I honestly should have sought help from a doctor I didn't feel like I could confided in my family and ask for help. After all I was raised to believe you solved your own issues. Through, working out and good friends I was able to slowly climb my way out but it would have been a much easier/shorter battle if I had had the help of a professional therapist or doctor.
Like last time I am already noticing a difference now that I am working out at the gym. The world doesn't look so gloomy and chaotic when I am at the gym. I find that I am a happier mommy when I've got a good work out in.
Pre-kids I loved working out at the gym. I went frequently and found it to be relaxing. I first started to work out at the gym in an effort to bring myself out of a deep depression when I was in high school. While, I honestly should have sought help from a doctor I didn't feel like I could confided in my family and ask for help. After all I was raised to believe you solved your own issues. Through, working out and good friends I was able to slowly climb my way out but it would have been a much easier/shorter battle if I had had the help of a professional therapist or doctor.
Like last time I am already noticing a difference now that I am working out at the gym. The world doesn't look so gloomy and chaotic when I am at the gym. I find that I am a happier mommy when I've got a good work out in.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Abandonment and Life lines
Since, Trumpet was born I have felt like God had abandon me. I couldn't make sense of the fact that I had this wonderful amazing blessing and yet I am so unhappy. Why would God give me this blessing and then leave me in this dark and lonely place that I find myself to currently be residing in. It's truly a sad place to be when you don't even feel comfort in Mass and the Holy Eucharist.
However, God never abandon me. He was always there for me. I just needed to remember that and ask him to come in. He heard my weary cry the other day and threw me the lifeline I needed. I was having a very bad day (see prev. post) and in desperation I lifted my face up to Heaven and cried out that I need a lifeline. Not even 2 minutes later a very dear friend called. She has dealt with PPD before and even though, she too is a busy mom of 2 little ones and had only called for a quick chat she stayed on the phone with me for over an hour. She helped talk me back to a more rational place. She helped calm me, so that I could take care of my children till my husband got home. But most importantly, she reminded me that God is there listening and ready to help. All we have to do is ask.
However, God never abandon me. He was always there for me. I just needed to remember that and ask him to come in. He heard my weary cry the other day and threw me the lifeline I needed. I was having a very bad day (see prev. post) and in desperation I lifted my face up to Heaven and cried out that I need a lifeline. Not even 2 minutes later a very dear friend called. She has dealt with PPD before and even though, she too is a busy mom of 2 little ones and had only called for a quick chat she stayed on the phone with me for over an hour. She helped talk me back to a more rational place. She helped calm me, so that I could take care of my children till my husband got home. But most importantly, she reminded me that God is there listening and ready to help. All we have to do is ask.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Glaring Truth
I have found that sleep makes a huge difference in my ability to push past the ppd and keep it in the shadows of life and not in the glaring open. Today marked the second night of very little sleep and it showed.
The ppd monster reared its ugly head and was out for the entire world to see. I find myself grateful that none of our neighbors were home to hear my lapse of composure through the paper thin walls. It was ugly and raw. I scared myself and I can only image how much it must of scared my two little ones to see me as I was. However, I know not how to explain to them where I am at. There is no way to explain to them that this afternoon the deep dark pit of despair tried to swallow me whole and almost did. I can't explain that all I wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and disappear. So, the only thing I can is reassure them that mommy loves them and try and put on a mask and bury the monster of despair behind a facade of smiles.
The ppd monster reared its ugly head and was out for the entire world to see. I find myself grateful that none of our neighbors were home to hear my lapse of composure through the paper thin walls. It was ugly and raw. I scared myself and I can only image how much it must of scared my two little ones to see me as I was. However, I know not how to explain to them where I am at. There is no way to explain to them that this afternoon the deep dark pit of despair tried to swallow me whole and almost did. I can't explain that all I wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and disappear. So, the only thing I can is reassure them that mommy loves them and try and put on a mask and bury the monster of despair behind a facade of smiles.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Chaos and Tidy Squares
I have an inbox overflowing with unread emails. Laundry baskets that are overflowing with clothes. Overflowing describes my life...overflowing with an abundance of blessings from God. Blessings in the way of a husband, who adores me and two beautiful little boys. There are many more to be sure but those are the three biggest ones.
However, blessed I maybe I am also fighting postpartum depression. That is a place I never imaged I would be. After all, I always longed for children. The chaos of having 2 little ones is causing me to be miserable. By nature I am a planner. Before I had children I had this wonderful planner that went with me everywhere. My life was neat and tidy. Broken down into color coded squares of time. I liked it that way. I don't do chaos....let me amended that. I didn't do chaos. As every mother knows chaos comes with the territory of having children; especially when you have 2 little ones, who are 2 years apart. I am the proud mommy of a 2 year old and a 3 month old. I am an imperfect mom of 2 trying to learn how to find a balance between the chaos that comes with being mommy and my desire for a nice tidy life of color coded squares of time.
No matter how sad, how much of a failure as a mom I may feel or wondering why God saw fit to bless my life with my 2 precious little boys I thank God everyday for them. I hope that one day soon the smile I put on my face when one of them does something cute or funny will be a truly genuine one and not a pretend one because I know I should find joy in their antics.
However, blessed I maybe I am also fighting postpartum depression. That is a place I never imaged I would be. After all, I always longed for children. The chaos of having 2 little ones is causing me to be miserable. By nature I am a planner. Before I had children I had this wonderful planner that went with me everywhere. My life was neat and tidy. Broken down into color coded squares of time. I liked it that way. I don't do chaos....let me amended that. I didn't do chaos. As every mother knows chaos comes with the territory of having children; especially when you have 2 little ones, who are 2 years apart. I am the proud mommy of a 2 year old and a 3 month old. I am an imperfect mom of 2 trying to learn how to find a balance between the chaos that comes with being mommy and my desire for a nice tidy life of color coded squares of time.
No matter how sad, how much of a failure as a mom I may feel or wondering why God saw fit to bless my life with my 2 precious little boys I thank God everyday for them. I hope that one day soon the smile I put on my face when one of them does something cute or funny will be a truly genuine one and not a pretend one because I know I should find joy in their antics.
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